looking for....

in the past few days i was thinking.....what do i want...what do i want to feel?And now in my 2nd year of college i am still looking for who or what i am.....everything is messsed up....as i see it the first semester of the 1st year of college was nice..made some friends-something i sucked in high school- i fell in love...but the one i loved..didint love me back....and the first semester of the 1st year was over...when i left her apartment on the 17th of february 2008..on one of the coldest days of that winter...so cold that the tears that  pored down my cheeks froze...and on my way home on the train..i froze...and got frostbites...but the outside cold the pain of the frostbites couldnt compare with the pain,sufferance that were inn my heart and soul...that day.In all the pain and all that it was...there was something that caught my eye...and it was a word written in the snow on a car...something that surprised me....and what i lost that day...and that was "HOPE"...

In the first few weeks of the second semester i could go back to college...i didnt feel like going....especialy bcs i would see her again..ánd i just couldnt...bcs each time i saw her...i would love her more and more...and i knew she wouldnt love me ..and it would just break my heart again and again each time i will see her...so the 2nd semester was one of the hardest parts of my life...to see her almost each day and know i will never have her...and in my sorrow..i did something i cant forgive myself..i mistreated my friends and didnt care about them...but noone could understad me...and it was clear that the only way i was going was down...and so i ignored her compleatly..no hy..no nothing...i just couldnt look at her..it was to much and it hurt each time i saw her....and in the end of the 2nd semester i was still in love with her...but in some way i got over the fact that she and i will never be together

Remember the word written in snow in the winter...hope...and in the summer dono what was i thiking or way i answered her on yahoo msg...she knew i was angry with her..and she didnt want me to be...but as we talked all my feelings came back...and in the way she was talking it was as if she really cared about me and that she wanted to be with me ..if i just went to the city and talk to her...that 1 week i was so happy a feeling i never tought she will ever give me...but in the end of the week..something changed in her...and the next week when we met..to talk about us beeing together..i saw it in her eyes..the very ones i fell in love...and the ones that from my point of view told me that she is secretly in love with me too..what i was in her eyes that day..was just friendship...and that was what she told me..that she wants to be just friends...just think i was thnking that from that day we 2 would be together...and i was so happy..just to see her break me again..and this time it as far worse then in winter..noone can imagine how i was feeling then...it was as the sky fell down on me...and my heart was ripped out of my body..i was so angry..so sad...so disapointed...so broken....so many things ...i really tought that the word in the snow was just about this that we would be together..but no..it wasnt met to be...